You have to buy a gift for your sister’s boyfriend’s stepsister, or that one girl from your group project who insists on giving you a candle. You rack your noggin’–what do you know about them aside from the fact that they exist? (maybe they exists….depends on whether or not you listen to your “quirky” neighbor Richard)
We’ve got you!
We surfed through Bezos’ Place and found 15 (yes, 15, we gave you OPTIONS) items for under $5 that are perfect for any occasion. Looking for stocking stuffers? A gift for grandpa? Something to scare away your sister’s boyfriend once and for all? Look no further, we’ve got your gift-giving on lock.
1. Not only is it fun, but it’s functional too!
Got a light that doesn’t light, or a switch that doesn’t switch? How about a roommate or significant other who won’t clean the apartment? Want a passive-aggressive way to get them to clean that’s also fun?? Boy, do we have you covered. For only $4.79 you can give the gift of magic–in the form of a squeegee! Perfect for your messy brother, or the friend who is a little too “Monica Geller” that she would think you’re just being nice!
2. Mermaids can be dudes too
Want to spice up your friend’s motorcycle jacket? We’ve got the perfect patch for you! Combat toxic masculinity with the male mermaid patch and show the world that dudes can be mermaids too! Your next perfect gift could be wrapped in cheap paper you bought for a dollar and looks highly flammable for only $3.99!
3. Not fake salt. REAL salt!
You know what they say: some salt in your hand is worth two in the bush! Yeah, that sounds right. It’s got flavor (sort of), it’s healthy (just don’t eat more than a deck of cards worth), and it’s all natural (that’s what the packaging says anyway, we’re still waiting to hear back from the lab)! For the low price of $4.99 you can give the gift of ancient fine sea salt so the receiver of your gift can confidently answer the question: is your salt real? Because it’s always good to alleviate the fears of your friends!
4. Call out your bitter friends
Sometimes friends are bitter, and sometimes they’re only slightly bitter. You should applaud them for avoiding “full bitterness” with a pin to show off their achievement! For only $2.20 you can make a close friend, a weird neighbor, or a loving family member only slightly pissed at you with their own slightly bitter pin!
5. Shape an eyebrow, shape a life
Here’s the bottom line: almost everybody has eyebrows. Now here’s another fact unknown to the commoner: eyebrows get bedhead the same way hair does. Right? Now that you’ve been clued in, there really is only one perfect gift to help your giftee avoid the suffering which comes from having messy, unprofessional eyebrows. Three eyebrow shapers for only $2.77. When your giftee gets their dream job, or a coffee shop barista writes their number on the cup, or their father finally gives them the attention they’ve been longing for–it will all be thanks to your eyebrow shaper present!
6. The fun of the holidays is bringing back the dead!
Everyone gives plants at Christmas time. Think about it, and what do they do? Die. Why not circumvent the problem and get your giftee a plant that’s already dead? All your aunts will be basic and buy house ferns–but not you! Give the gift of miracles with a plant that comes back to life!! At least for a little bit before, you know, it dies again…but in the meantime, they get to enjoy the gift of resurrection for only $3.11! And really, doesn’t that beat anything Aunt Margeret could buy?
7. The perfect gift for a new partner
The question as old as time: what to get your new significant other when you’ve only been dating a few weeks or months before the holidays? This may not be the first idea that pops into your head, but the perfect gift is actually 500 googly eyes. Think about it, you’re saying that you’re always watching out for them! In the form of plastic eyes! This cute gift will score you relationship brownie points (especially if you play up the romanticism) and comes in at a low cost to you of only $4.78!*
*(Note: the UNT Union is not liable if break-up results from the giving of 500 googly eyes as a holiday gift.)
8. Set them straight with dope LEDs
Do you have a little cousin/sibling who keeps acting out and you’re trying to think of a gift to curb their behavior? LED Newtons Cradle. Here us out–they’ll be so distracted by the lights and physics behind the kinetic energy that they won’t even want to go out and be a delinquent! For only $4.99, you can roll into the holidays and revolutionize parenting *mic drop*.
9. The Dad gift everyone asked for
It’s always hard to think of gifts to give to dads–we’ve all been there. Here’s a little something you didn’t know: dads secretly love to spruce up their car. Seriously, there was a super legit and not at all fake study done which totally proves it. So we went and found the perfect gift that any dad would love but will never come out and ask for: smiley face car mirror decals. Trust us, the look on a dads face when he opens this gift is going to be priceless. Well, priceless for him, $0.48 for you!
10. Because why not potato chips?
For the low price of only $2.99, you can buy your significant other the gift they’ve always wanted: the gift of potato chips. But this is no normal chip maker mere mortals, no you are giving someone the ability to make their own at any given moment in time! Simply put the potatoes in the microwave, sit back, and, assumedly, you would get chips!
11. The perfect college dorm gift
So you need to buy for a college freshman, and your wisdom and matureness that comes with being 19 means you can no longer fathom what a college freshman would want! Look no further, you wise adult! We’ve got the perfect gift for the kiddo on your list! Think about it, what college dorm is equipped with a fully functioning kitchen? Not many we would assume. So here’s what you do: you buy them a 3.5-inch skillet and hunt around your neighbor’s basement (he won’t mind) for a magnifying glass. Ten minutes and a tiny dorm fire later, your little sib has got themselves a freshly cooked egg! Just one though, because it’s…you know…3.5 inches. A great gift for only $4.99 (plus the damages you’ll have to pay to the dorm complex)!
12. A life lesson wrapped up in a holiday gift
Here’s how to do the holidays: with life lessons! A) You get 12, right off the bat that’s 12 gifts you’ve got for friends/family/acquaintances/randos/sister’s boyfriend. B) You give the erasers, but not only are they erasers, they’re a life lesson. Sometimes people make mistakes, something your hand makes an autocorrect with life. What does an eraser do? Erase. Show that mistakes can all be erased, and people can move on, so long as they have the right eraser. The one in their hand, that you gave them, that’s the right eraser. 12 gifts, an unforgettable life lesson, and a motivational speech, all for the low price of $4.99.
13. Give the gift of the holidays
Say your giftee already has all the skillets, dude mermaids, googly eyes, and salt their heart desires. What to do next? Well if you’re looking for a present idea then they’re obviously celebrating the holidays! Get them a gift they can use for one month out of the year: a 7-inch Christmas tree! Perfect for a desk, or a tiny shelf, or to be used in a Barbie mansion home (show that Ken who can really throw a party). It’s festive, already decorated, and comes in at a low price of only $3.34!
14. The gift of light
Sometimes people go to space and all the friend gets is this lousy t-shirt. Other times, you don’t go to space at all, but to the internet, and all the friend gets this awesome laptop light! We all get into those work binges where we realize we haven’t talked to an actual human being in over 54 hours. Well, now you can not only give the gift of light, but a talking buddy for when your friend starts to talk to themselves due to lack of sunlight and human touch! Perfect for finals week, grad students, or your one uncle who resembles Boo Radley. For only $4.39!
15. Snack o’clock
Here’s a basic fact about humanity: all everybody wants to be doing at any given moment is eating food. Every human. Any given moment. So this present is bound to wow! This is an all-in-one spoon, fork, and knife that can be carried anywhere, and can be used to consume anything (with the right attitude)! For only $3.99 you can give the gift of constant consumption! Just watch out for all your soup, leftover Chinese food, and furniture lying around.
We hope these gift ideas help you out this holiday season! From all of us at the Union, happy holidays!